A Mirkwood Meeting: How it Should Have Gone
by Italy's Driving
Summary: The real meeting between the Company of Thorin and Legolas and Tauriel.


A Mirkwood Meeting: How it Should Have Gone

 **Crack. This is basically crack. Just a small, silly little drabble with non-period speak and terrible OOC-ness. Basically what I think the DoS scene where Legolas and Tauriel capture the dwarves should have been like. Yes, it's short. No, you don't have to read it. Yes, I love this and I loved writing it.**

 **I don't own Lord of the Rings or anything associated with it. Kay? Kay!**

I SHOULD REGRET THIS BUT I REALLY DO NOT LOL GOOD LUCK I LOVE ALL OF YOU THANKS FOR READING THIS

Legolas looked down at the picture in the picture frame in his hand, then back up to the dwarf he had taken it from.

"Who is this? Your brother?" Legolas asked. The red headed dwarf looked offended.

"That's my wife!" Gloin protested.

"That's a female?" Legolas was silent for a moment, "How do you tell?"

"I've heard female dwarves have sparser beards than males," Tauriel butt in. She was silent, then looked to Kili, "Are you female?"

" _WHAT!? NO!_ " Kili shouted.

"It's not my brother's fault he can't grow a decent beard. And it's very rude to mention it," Fili said.

"Sorry." Tauriel didn't seem sorry at all.

"Right, let's get this out in the open," Legolas said, "Will any female dwarves please raise their hands?"

There was silence.

"I'm serious. We have a limited number of cells, so some of you are going to have to double up. I want to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness," Legolas said.

"We're far past awkwardness, lass," Bifur said.

"I'm male," Legolas said. Everyone looked surprised. Even Tauriel. Which, really, was kind of rude. Given she's know Legolas all her life and you'd think she would know what gender he was. God, she's been misgendering him her entire life. How rude.

"Oh, don't give me that! It's easy to tell elf men from elf women," Legolas protested.

"How do you do it, then?" Gloin asked.

"We're prettier," Legolas answered, shooting Tauriel a smug look. No one can deny the truth, you know.

"Plus, elf women wear dresses," Legolas said.

"Wait, then you're…?" Kili trailed off, a question aimed towards Tauriel in his voice.

"No."

"Most elf women wear dresses. Tauriel doesn't cause of her job," Legolas said.

"Wait. So that one back in Rivendell… that _was_ a female?" Kili asked.

"No," Ori said, "That wasn't a dress. That was just a long jacket. He had trousers underneath."

"But then how do you tell if they're not turnt around?" Bombur asked.

"You have to wait for them to turn around to see if they're's a slit. Dresses are full length all around," Fili said.

"Like what Gandalf wears?" Nori asked.

"No. Gandalf wears robes. They're different because… well, because they just are," Kili answered.

"Look, can we just get back to being captured?" Thorin asked, "Please?"

"Yeah, good call," Legolas agreed.

WHOLE LOTTA DIALOGUE JEGUS LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL DIALOGUE

"...And that's what really happened when I met Thorin's company," Legolas finished, looking around the fire to the other members of the Fellowship.

"You… were mistaken for a female elf?" Sam asked.

"Indeed, Master Samwise. It happened more often then you'd think. In fact, when I first met Estel-"

"No! Legolas, mellon nin, I do not believe the hobbits would like to hear that story," Aragorn protested.

"I think we would, Mister Strider, if you don't mind," Sam said.

Legolas grinned, and started the story.

GUESS WHAT COMES NEXT! A BETTER WRITTEN SEQUEL THAT IS STILL RIDICULOUS

 **As my line break says, there is a better written sequel to this that actually has in character-ness. And it's basically my version of Aragorn and Legolas' first meeting. Which is basically explained at the end of this one. Anyway~ my other fics will be updated soon, worry not. Oh! And I will have one new one up hopefully before the sequel to this one but definitely after this one that is a way late birthday present. Anyway~ No ReGrEtS**

 **This is Italy's Driving saying;** _ **That's All Folks!**_


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